Sure, it’s sorta lame. But if you don’t like Twilight, the 14-year-old girl inside of you is dead. In other words, you’re old. Yesterday, Metric announced that they cowrote a song, “All Yours,” with Hollywood type Howard Shore for the Twilight three-quel Eclipse. I’m curious to hear the result of this cred-for-cash collaboration. This cut is Metric’s first foray into writing music for movies. And it’s not like Emily Haines and the rest are the only so-called serious band to shill their talent to tweens. I mean, St. Vincent and Bon Iver were both featured on the New Moon soundtrack and they’re the indiest of indies.

Everyone knows … If the Devil’s got a day, it’s Halloween. But there’s also that roving, semi-annual celebration of all things evil: Friday the 13th, AKA Today. It’s that time of year when Satan sneaks out of hibernation to snack on virgin blood, beastial sex and rancid tacos. Or whatever it takes to kill his hunger until October 31.

Normally, I’d be palling around with the horned one, shotgunning beers and bumming smokes & swigs of JD while traveling back through time to a Dimmu Borgir show in the millennial cusp year of 1999 … BUT this time, I’m way too broke. (The Devil charges steep admission and my soul’s already sold.)

So to substitute, I triple-locked myself in a closet and crawled into a K-hole with a plan to self-flagellate to the sounds of the themed Rhino comp, New Wave Halloween. But like all novelty mixtapes, the thing’s padded with so-so fun stuff: Rocky Horror’s “Time Warp,” B-52’s “Devil In My Car” and the Ramones’ “Pet Sematary.” Plus a few total turds: Ministry’s “Everyday is Halloween,” Oingo Boingo’s “Dead Man’s Party” and Dave Edmunds’ “Creature From The Black Lagoon.”

My solution: Cut the shit … And now you’ve got a soundtrack for that serene feeling of surfing with Satan atop a mass wave of burning bodies wrapped in factory-fresh punk costumes. Enjoy!

Download:
NO WAVE HALLOWEEN (SUBCULTURES Reedit)
1. “Halloween” by Dead Kennedys
2. “Halloween” by Dream Syndicate
3. “Halloween” by Sonic Youth
4. “Halloween” by The Misfits
5. “Halloween” by MX-80 Sound
666. “Halloween” by Mudhoney

Sure, Lou looks like a chimp on smack. But, there’s no denying it takes supernatural cool to pull off a too-tight Supreme t-shirt and aviators at the age of 67. So, if only he could travel back in time and abort “My Red Joystick,” plus maybe another four-dozen unwanted musical babies … His legacy would be perfect.

You know that recurring dream where you’re all punked out in a studded leather jacket, dancing and singing down the street, jumping on cars and scaring old people. For us, it’s wild fancy … But for Karen O, it’s just another Tuesday.

Ben Tanaka’s got a small dick. It’s an unfortunate anatomical fact that he blames on being Asian. And, well-founded or not, this insecurity has made him a socially toxic mess of racial self-hatred, neurotic sexual hang-ups and denial on all fronts. I mean, imagine an unfunny Japanese Woody Allen from the West Coast with a fetish for white chicks and a porn stash to match … Total fun times, right?

WRONG. In just over 100 pages, Ben manages to alienate three different women:
1) Miko, his live-in girlfriend and the assistant Asian-American Digi-Fest organizer;
2) Autumn, a grungy white girl performance artist; And, 3) Sasha, a blonde bisexual grad student. Until finally, there’s no one volunteering for Ben’s bullshit … Except his Korean BFF Alice, a promiscuous, pussy-kicking lesbian. (But, then, even she ends
up leaving him.)

Now, amid total rejection and general bad vibes, Shortcomings isn’t the major bummer you’d expect. Sure, it’s a quietly sadistic look at Gen-Xers brutalized by domesticity and premature middle age. Not to mention, its meanest moments read like a graphic novelization of some ’90s date movie getting barebacked by Todd Solondz. But Tomine’s massive talent saves a seemingly ugly scene, spinning something both damning and tender … A sort of tribute to the negative creep in all of us.

I’m way late to the Wholphin cocktail party. So while the McSweeney’s people have been doing this serialized short film thing for two years, I only checked out Issue #1 last week. And, I guess there were a few OK-ish moments, like this and this and this … But no more than 4 seconds of essential viewing.

High Life at 3PM. And some Screamin’ Jay Hawkins.

Open wide … And get a taste of that trademark Brutal Knights tuneage.